The New Agent
by Little Knuckles
Summary: Over the years I read a couple of unintentionally funny "Mary Sue" stories. I guess that's where this came from. Crack!Fic


The NCIS agents had already started their work day in the bullpen when the elevator door opened.

"_Who_ is she?" Tony muttered as a short woman with shiny black hair and baby blue eyes strode in toting a large heavy backpack.

"I bet _she_ is the new agent," Ziva replied. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that Tim McGee self-consciously straightened his tie with his right hand. His left hand was still glued to his keyboard.

"Wow!" Tony exclaimed as he stood up. "Hi, I'm Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo," he said to the woman with a huge smile. "What can I do for you?"

The woman eased the backpack from her shoulder and set it on the floor. "I'm Merry Sue-Be-Doo, the new agent," she replied, her smile even wider than Tony's.

"Well, Gibbs is in MTAC at the moment, but I'd be more than happy to show you around. This is Special Agent Ziva David. She knows seventeen ways to kill a person with a paperclip, twenty-three ways to kill a person with a hula hoop, and seventy-three ways to kill _anything_ with dental floss. She's an expert with toenail clippers, and speaks forty-two languages."

"Well, I do speak Pig Latin," the new agent responded proudly. "_Oo-day oo-yay ink-thay I'm-ay ery-vay ot-hay_? I'm a dead eye with a sling shot. And I have a unique interrogation technique that I want to demonstrate."

"This is Special Agent Tim McGee. He's a bio-engineering nuclear physics chemistry anthropology philately astrology mathematics nanotechnology expert. He's also a registered nurse and a notary public." He glanced at her backpack. "That looks heavy. What do you have in there… a grand piano?"

"No, a piano accordion," the new agent replied reaching to pull out said instrument. "I never go anywhere without it." She unsnapped the clips and the bellows groaned loudly as they were released causing several agents in the rear of the bullpen to jump to their feet and reach for their weapons. "You wouldn't believe how many suspects confess when I play it during an interrogation."

The accordion's grill was a sparkly hot pink color inlaid with silver glitter. The turquoise letters M-E-R-R-Y glowed between the grill and the bellows. The instrument was also decorated with multi-colored sequins, red hearts, and tassels.

Later in the day Merry Sue-Be-Doo sobbed at her desk, tears drenching her keyboard. Her team surrounded her. "What's the matter?" "What happened?" "What can we do to help?" "Please don't cry…"

"My-my cousin's neighbor," she wept. "My cousin's neighbor's father-in-law's barber's uncle… d-d-died! Ohhh-ohh!"

As he sat in MTAC conferencing with SecNav, the President of the United States, the Pope, Mickey Mouse, the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler of the Loyal Order of Raccoons, and various space aliens, Leroy Jethro Gibbs's gut told him something was wrong. He snapped, "You guys will have to wait," as he sprinted from the room, and tore down the stairs, his shoes smoking as he skidded to a stop at Merry Sue-Be-Doo's desk.

"Ohh, Jethro!" she cried, her tear-drenched keyboard floating to the edge of her desk. McGee unobtrusively disconnected it and set it on the wastebasket to drip dry. "Ohh… my cousin's neighbor's father-in-law…"

"I'd like to date Jethro," Merry Sue-Be-Doo sighed to Abby after Gibbs had swept her and her accordion into his arms and carried her down to Abby's lab following her first of many meltdowns. "Is he married?... not that it would make any difference."

"Noo-ooo," Abby said slowly. "But he's very… ahhh… _sensitive_, so you…"

"But _I'm_ sensitive, too!" the new agent exclaimed. "I cry at the drop of a hat! We're _compatible_!" Happily she picked up her accordion and began to play the Beer Barrel Polka. Abby fled to her office and shut the door.

"Come out with us for a drink after work," Ziva suggested to the new agent. "It will take your mind off your troubles."

"I'd love to, but I can't," Merry Sue-Be-Doo replied. "I have to go to my second job. I'm the main pole dancing attraction on Tuesday nights at Club Whoopee." She paused. "I know! Why don't you all come as my guests?! It's right on Shimmy Street between Shake Avenue and Floozie Boulevard."

"Oh, I'm sure Tony knows where it is," Ziva smirked.

"I do an act with my accordion! I'd love for you all to see it!" Merry Sue-Be-Doo gushed. "I play a polka while doing a pole dance. It's a _polka pole_ act. Get it?"

Gibbs raised the bottle of Burpie beer to his lips, his eyes glued to the stage as his newest agent twirled dizzily her accordion hanging awkwardly from her shoulders.

"Hey, Boss, I…"

"Can it, DiNizzo," the lead agent growled. "Can'tcha see I'm watchin' the show?" He drew a deep breath. "What a woman!"

Mary Sue-Be-Doo abruptly jerked to a finish and hiked her accordion up on her shoulder. With eyes cast down and lips trembling she held the microphone tightly and murmured, "I'm dedicating this song… which I wrote… to everyone who has suffered the heartbreak of a cheating lover."

She wrestled the accordion into position. It wailed mournfully and she began to sing.

"I know you used to love me;

We went dancing every night.

We waltzed and tangoed together;

And seldom did we fight.

I thought you'd always love me,

We ate by candlelight;

We scarfed down macaroni

Sharing every bite.

But then one day you left me,

You rotten, cheating snake.

Now I finally realize

Your love was really fake.

So go suck an egg, you fly-eating weasel;

Stay out of my bed you worm…

Go and eat beetles you scum-sucking maggot,

You're no better than a germ."

Gibbs was mesmerized. He had to have her. By the end of the evening he had proposed marriage and Merry Sue-Be-Doo accepted his offer in a flood of tears. Gibbs even agreed to take her to the Cleveland Accordion Museum for their honeymoon.

Gasping, Gibbs sprung to a sitting position on his worn sofa and glanced wildly around his dark living room. He looked out the window, his eyes resting briefly on the dim light of the street lamp. Cursing softly he rubbed his eyes in an effort to separate his dream from reality. Damn DiNozzo! he grunted. If Tony hadn't insisted on dinner at that new Italian restaurant with the strolling accordionist and the over-friendly waitress he wouldn't have had this nightmare. And Merry-Sue-Be-Doo didn't even have red hair.


End file.
